sometimes i get on my own nerves.

(learning about the nervous system doesnt help at all)

life needs to be erm, more straight forward.

**********
filming disrupts my sleep wake cycle. arg.

then again, time to start starbucking needs to be erm, brought forward more..

gah, this sucks. when have i gotten so weak. i finally mustered enough hmm, interest to jog today but its so disappointing! 2 rounds would have been considered little in the past but today, 1 and a half rounds into the run it suddenly felt like my muscles disintegrated and i was crumbling onto the ground so i stopped.

and i saw lights for like 2 secs then i blacked out.

however pride forced me to walk however small steps in pure darkness towards the busstop that was like 70 metres away.. luckily i reached it before i really fainted.

then rest for duno how long then continued jogging then black out again then give up.

WALK.

whatever, sian. i should really start jogging more. jogging is evolving into a monthly activity for me. cant believe i used to jog more than thrice a week!

my blog is getting increasingly random!

hi
blogging for the sake of blogging actl heh heh

i think to me right, studying and crying have a direct relationship.

recently the slightest things make me tear/cry and i am not going to blame it on my biological clock.

i think its studying. rmb last yr around this time? i keep talking about myself crying too.

ohgosh. maybe its a conditioned response LOL.

damn i cant imagine how stupid i looked that day crying while staring at a laptop at starbucks lol.

still, i cant wait to balance work and play, more movies please hehe lol

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the difference between the content of my stoning sessions while trying to studying this year and last year is that last year it was about things imagined to be and this year its about things that actually happened.

oh well.

despite having blogged so much, i still feel like saying abit more.

hmm. yea, have always felt quite sad for myself for not being able to generate much conversations.. for being a boring introverted quiet un-high person

but ohwell, what can i do.

besides feeling sorry for myself it troubles me too. causes some fear too.

hai.

once again, i hope things go right.

12 july 2009 sunday


filming around 12pm at SP..

then back to sean's house, then mount faber, back to sean's house to slack, then dinner at holland V then sean's house to slack again (where fred and i started taking turns to fall asleep while watching stuffs on the com) so we left around 11 plus pm..


yea i am back home!!


i am supposed to sleep like one hr ago. and i know i just spammed my blog heh heh

6th july 2009 monday


slacked at sean's house until around 7.. sean alouis and i met adria and we had dinner at ikea.. didnt get to try the curry noodles, sadly, cos they met with some noodle shortage or sth-.-


but yea, all in all nice meal.. then we walked around ikea.. then FINALLY after my 4 night stay at sean's house i went home.. heh heh thanks ah sean =)



7th july 2009 tuesday


woke up at night, did nothing much, if i m not wrong



8th july 2009 wednesday - 9th july 2009 thursday


studied over night. haha more like slacking outside overnight-.- but comfortable and fun la haha. and thanks thanks=)



10th july 2009 friday


woke up around 4 plus 5pm, reached starbucks at 8pm, saw kaiteng in jp too haha
studied till 11 like that then i went to sean's house
alouis arrived soon after and we headed for supper.. haha if i m not wrong, glm again..
slacked at the playground then we went back to sean's house and duno do what then we slept



11th july 2009 saturday


had filming at the railway tracks
hmm what do i have to say about that day ah


almost killed kenneth..

ah NO LA.

its just like, u know sometimes when u suddenly start crying THEN u realise how stressed you were before that? yea sth like that


yea nothing much to say but its just like i KNEW my limitations and capabilities but seems like no one believed me but yea now its quite apparent already


ohya kenneth gave me this shopping bag which he bought.. haha cos i am always carrying ugly plastic bags to filming to contain my filming clothes.. so thoughtful of him.. thanks thanks=))


yea then we went to eat and proceeded back to sean's house where i watched friday the 13th and pink panther 2 on alouis's laptop.. haha i like pink panter 2! its funny


then we went down for late dinner at the coffeeshop and prataplace after brian reached


watched kungpow in sean's room.. brian n sean enjoyed it while alouis n i slept through it heh heh


then i continued watching my pink panther.. and abit of step up 2 on alouis's laptop, after i finished the movies i realise sean n alouis were gone.. soon after they came back, with my samsung charger!!

hahaha, thanks so much hehe, for alouis and sean to go all the way back to alouis's house to get the charger for me.. haha i surprised myself when i felt significantly happier when i could charge my phone.. i guess i just felt kind of lost when my phone died on me abruptly


yea, then bathe, ate alot of chips, drank 3 mouths of beer, watched zero to hero LOL then i slept around 5 plus 6..

5th july 2009 sunday


was the first to wake up again
watched some channel 8 thing, ate chicken rice and soup, watched happy tree friends, simpsons then war of the worlds

then sean alouis fred and i met brian adria eunice adele at holland v for late dinner

then they left.. while alouis and i still stayed over at sean's house haha


speaking of war of the worlds, it reminds me of my childhood haha, i think i had the children version of the book and it was my favourite book in primary 2 or sth. i can vaguely recall how my imagination ran wild while reading the book and how i was genuinely scared out of my wits..



but yea, i agree with the ratings for the movie adaptation of it.. the movie kind of sucked.. had a great time criticizing it =S heh heh

4th july 2009 saturday


LOL i dragged alouis and sean to like JOG with me early in the morning before filming cos i wanted to get rid of some water retention.. i dont think it made any difference though cos the wind was damn strong-.-


followed by some filming in the day then it was szekee's 21st party at her house..



organized mess. such a nice pic haha.
supposed to look dao but duno what i doing
this's slightly better
first gen!
bodyparts. i m "wrist" cos of my name huan u know. yeayea.
happy birthday szekee! may your life just gets better and better and better kay=)


anw, after it ended around 11 plus, some of us headed to northpoint for a movie.. just in case i miss out anyone hehe i shant list them out but about 4 X 2cars means about 8 pp went i think.. they wanted to watch transformers but since fred n i watched it already we (actl i was the one heh heh) decided not to rewatch..


other movies suck too so we decided to like search for the safra that had a pub or sth which weilong told us was right straight ahead or sth... to no avail. =S


so we settled for macdonalds.. fred ate a meal i koped his fries n drinks then we just talked


after that sean alouis fred vionna n i had supper at the gan lao mian coffeeshop.. vionna left and the rest of us stayed over at sean's house


fred n i watched happy tree friends in the dark with the sound muted cos sean's sister was sleeping in the living toom, as we struggled to stifle our saddistic laughters


somehow i went to the toilet and came out to find fred sound asleep on the floor


hence we decided to sleep around 8am!


*okay end of the day*

3rd july 2009 friday


whenever i stay at sean's house i wake up quite early.. sometimes even the earliest among those guys.. esp alouis, who falls into a coma like state whenever he sleeps, but anw, i think i woke up relatively early, then like use com watch tv then HAHA since i needed to go home to take clothes for filming the next day, sean and alouis came back home with me and they had dinner at my house..


hah my mum has a very weak sense of humour right-.- but yea my mum was quite nice that day and hope the dinner was okay hmm i wonder what my mum asked them when i was bathing and packing my stuffs


yeayea, then we went back to sean's house.. if i m not wrong around 2-3am we went for our ganlaomian supper again.. lol. fervyn and her friend joined us for awhile..


yeayeaa

2nd july 2009 thursday



used com in the day then met the 6th gen and sean,chinteck and yyann at bugiss we had dinner at hip diner USA billybombers or sth.


got to know adele eunice and fervyn slightly better i guess haha


when alouis first saw me instant napping in public (the others are totally used to it), he tried to take pics of it either with his camera's flash on, or with the shutter sound on damn loud. so ya, fail. lol.


one of the few successful shots

me sean eunice adele
chinese desert
haha i like the hmm, symmetry in this pic
alouis sean n me, i realise we were all wearing black. hah


after the dinner we went to starbucks to chitchat n slack abit then i went sean's house with alouis to stayover.....

30th june 2009 tuesday


haha was supposed to meet fred to accompany him to the hospital.. but i hmm.. arrived after his check up ended so i met him at orchard mrt haha =S


" laughed like hell

went to grab dinner at far east

we had like fried rice and 60c egg (so ex lor 60c leh)

headed to the macshop and watched madtv and happy tree friends on their mac for like half and hour (lol) "



*haha i koped the abv fr fred's blog cos lazy to blog*



then we met his friends and two other strangers around 1030pm for a ktv session at partyworld.. haha kinda strange cos its like A knows B and B knows C but C doesnt know A, but yea, his friends were high and friendly and i did sing a bit in the end so it was quite a nice session.. although i was being my usual introverted and tired self and sticking to fred heh heh


we left around 230am to catch transformers 2.. haha not bad quite nice though i zoned out at some parts cos i was kind of tired haha


after that we had breakfast at macdonalds.. then it was home sweet home i think i slept around 9-10am in the morning.. to about 8pm at night so my whole wednesday was gone.


ohya got one pic but i havent gotten it yet

my life has taken a 180 degree turn

instead of having the liberty to dictate what i wanted to do every brand new day of the year, everyday i wake up thinking, "i am not studying, i am not studying, i am not studying ohgod"

and when i think, when i analyse, when i "emo", when i people watch, when i interact with fellow human beings, i am not experiencing life for what it is, but wasting precious time.

HAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

then again, i should stop acting like a kid. dont know whats the best for me, whine whine whine, need people to coax and coax with candies and sweets before i reluctantly utilize my one second attention span

=S

the night was fun though, talking and drawing nonsense, thanks soo much for accompanying, hah but now u know why i need to retake right.

i hope its just that set of stupid notes, every sentence i read it felt like i was deciphering some sort of secret code in a mystery novel

almost cried out of frustration at one point, but haha told myself cannot, have to maintain (whatever that's left of my) image lol

and oh well, i m using the com now so yea all the best to me

feels like i am an amateur walking on a tight rope, where every step needs to be precise, measured and controlled.. mine's wobbly, hesitant, careless..

its hard to maintain such a delicate equilibrium of give and take..

sorry, trying to study means i come up with more nonsense than usual. think too much and start complicating matters basically. so take all these with a pinch of salt.

yea today i forced myself to waste 6 bucks at starbucks to stay there for 3 hrs and to study for one hr and stone for the other 2..

*******************************

often my thoughts remain thoughts because i am afraid of repercussions that might follow.. you never know how certain stuff could get blown up or twisted.. or being used to subtly manipulate..

hai, but quite recently, being human as i gave in to temptation i seem to have translated certain thoughts into words.. certain things which i see no point in letting more people know.. a little worried sometimes.

problem with me is that i try to be guarded, but end up passive, and still as oblivious.
and i love to annouce my weaknesses to the world.

if only the watchful eyes of those around could be exchanged for empathetic ones.

i realise its not that easy to learn from your mistakes.
been having quite a lot of "deja vus" recently.
but i am just inclined to behave this way, the same way, make the same mistakes, and suffer the same fate over and over again.

and i am not even talking about my studies.

i have my own way of interacting with people, and i dont wish to be judged because of that, although i know that i am asking for too much, because how are we separate entities if we dont judge?

i am pretty amazed by people who are complicated and scheming and all.. it certainly involves lots of brain power doesnt it.
i think i will be quite proud of myself if someday someone tells me he or she thinks i am scheming and unfathomable and feels unsafe in my presence. hahaha. i wish, yea. dont think i am even alert enough for all of that.

time doesnt heal all wounds. it smudges them. the effects lingers and surfaces unsummoned, even many years on..

if there was an auction for your past, what would be your highest bid?

**********************
alright sorry to make you read all of my nonsense.. i will blog properly when i get pictures and blogger allows me to upload them..

ohya, i am back home.. like finally. haha.

oh no. i know i havent been updating for awhile.. heh heh

kind of lazy, and cos i havent been living at home heh heh

what constitutes the past week is basically hmm.. bumming my life away and having fun, and hanging out mostly with sean, alouis and fred haha

met the tcps too.. on thurs night for dinner, and on sat for filming and sze kee's 21st birthday party. happy birthday szekee!=)

yea.. ohya, and under the influence of bad company.. having gan lao mian supper almost every night at 4am-.- lol

starving plan A commences.. today. or maybe.. tmr=S

details.. after i reach home? hehe

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i hope nothing goes really wrong.